To My Child On Mother's Day
To my child, this Mother's Day.
Because of you, I have learned how to rock the boat. I was always a bit bending. Too much perhaps. I'd apologize for things I didn't need to, and sometimes accept things I shouldn't have. No more. I remember the first time I really felt my voice come out with regards to you. We were in a coffee shop and you were on my back. It was our daily routine before going to the beach across the street from our house. I heard your little cry begin (not a happy one), and felt someone behind me grabbing your little tiny fingers and being too close for comfort...not letting go when I politely asked him to. I felt my face go flush, I spun on a dime and shouted for all to hear in the middle of Starbucks. "TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY BABY NOW!" Emphasis on the NOW. I 100% understand the saying Mama Bear now. I truly think I could move a mountain for you. Actually, I know I could.
Because of you, I now feel like I see everything in hyper-color. I remember a moment in my life where I was really struggling. I had a bad eating disorder and everything just felt like it was moving past me in some sort of other world. As I was coming out of it, I remember being at my parent's house and looking at a vase. A vase I had looked at 1,000 times. I suddenly realized the vase had a beautiful, vibrant painting on it. I had never noticed it. It's the vase we still have and you say it looks like it has a face on the front. Since you came into my life, I am always noticing color. Big, bright, bold, glowing, color. It's why I'm always taking so many photos. You literally make the world glow for me, sweet boy.
Because of you, I have been reminded that we need to stay true to what makes our heart beat faster. A few weeks ago, you were really missing your Dad with his recent travel. You were crying...sobbing actually...and you kept saying you didn't know why. I knew why, but you didn't. You looked me in the face and said 'I just need to go climb.' And off we went to the climbing gym where you focused and climbed and bit by bit, the tears went away. I was so damn proud of you in this moment. You listened to your heart and reminded me that I need to always listen to mine. This, my child, is why I run. This lesson will serve you well your entire life and won't ever let you down.
Dusting his little hands off with chalk at the climbing gym on the day he knew he needed it.
Because of you, I've learned to try. Because I always want to be with you. I've never been one to do things I am not sure I'll be great at. You changed that. You want to be a climber, I'll study knots and pull myself up with all I've got. You want to skateboard, I'll learn to skateboard. You want to ski, I'll learn to ski. It's okay if I'm not the best, and it's okay if you're not the best. I'm going to always try for you because nothing matters more to me, than being with you.
Because of you, my heart is always open. I want to run to a crying child in the store even though the parent is right there. You've given me a whole set of incredible emotions that make me cry at commercials but also give me the strength to help and give and care and practice compassion. You've made me really realize things about myself that I really like and I'm forever grateful for you for helping me see the good in me.
Because of you, I've learned about accountability. I love that you call my bluff. That you challenge me and don't allow me to be scared or to give in to my own issues. I love that one day you told me 'Mom, I wish you could go to a school where they teach you how to not be weird' when I was doing something annoying like telling you not to grab a skateboard that the dog had thrown up on 6 months prior (it wasn't that but it was something bizarre like that because yes, I have my moments!).
Because of you, I look at those around me with bigger eyes. Your Dad. I knew he'd be a good Dad, but I didn't know he'd be THIS INCREDIBLE of a Dad. I love him even more for who is he to you. My Mom. You know, my whole life we said, about my Dad, 'if the world was ending, Dad could save us.' You would have had the time of your life with your Papa Steve, my sweet boy. When I met your Dad, I said the same thing about him and I still believe it. If the world was ending, he could save us. But you know who else could? Your Mana. My Mom. And she'd do it all while nobody felt scared and while everyone had blue and green sprinkles on top of their dessert. And you, my little bean. I can honestly say, that not a day goes by, even the ones with the most chaotic and hectic of schedules, I don't have a moment, or five, where I look at you and just simply think, 'I love this child SO. DAMN. MUCH.'
My Dad and my Grandma, many years ago. One of my all time favorite photos.
Because of you, I've got a fire in me always. It burns bright as hell and I am loving every moment of this journey with you. Thank you for being you and thank you for being mine.
Happy Mother's Day, to all the Mom's out there. To humans, to dogs, to cats, whomever it may be. And to those for whom this may not be the best of days, I wish you peace and send my love.
Blue Skies,
Sarah
