See you in a few weeks...Again....

Caveat: I'm not a single parent. Not ever going to claim to be no matter how many times my husband goes out of town and no matter how long he goes for. Do I primarily 'solo parent' a lot? Yes. But I'm not a single parent. I have a second opinion, a second voice. I have a phone call away, a second income, a shoulder to cry on even when that shoulder is thousands of miles away. Not that single parents don't have these things through partners or family and friends, but my point is that I'm aware I have a constant and am by no means am I here to diminish the incredibly hard work of single parents. 

The safest way to sleep...

All that said...having a spouse who is gone more often than he's home (literally), presents its own set of challenges that are also hard on the hearts of parents and kids everywhere. Here's a bit of our experience.... 

My husband has been gone for months at a time, weeks at a time, days at a time. We've done all ranges. For years. For the last 15 months we were in a pattern of Dad gone for 3 weeks and home for 2-3 days. Gone for 3 weeks and home for 2-3 days. We've been in constant countdown mode around here - for most of our marriage and most of our son's life. The questions are endless and most often said through tears - 'when is Dad coming home? when will he NEVER have to leave again? No I mean like NEVER not even for 2 days? Why does he have to go? No but why? Does he really HAVE to?' 

It could always be worse, sure, but I'm not in the business of questioning what's hard for people and what's not. The reality for us is that our reality had become really hard. With every year our Son gets older, he wants his Dad more and more. I am so grateful to have a hard-working and inspiringly brilliant partner. But, I feel most lucky to have a husband who our Son loves SO much... that this post even exists.

The good news for my family is that the traveling tide is finally turning. Thankfully. Now I just have to try and accept that my husband may put the sink nozzle on spray versus stream which drives me crazy - but I'm be thankful to be driven crazy by that instead of by his absence. However, the traveling days were such a massive part of our story that I'd be remorse not to acknowledge this struggle... and to do what I can, even if just via words, to let other parents know that they're not alone and that this too, the constant missing, is a real thing. So alas, here we go...

The first 147 times our child cried about missing his Dad, I cried too. I said a lot of 'I know's' and 'I understands' and 'Daddy is making history and one day I promise you'll feel so proud.' I threw in some 'Daddy is doing something that's inspiring kids around the world.' The next 78 times mostly came in the evenings when my son would knock on the bathroom door as I showered and begin the crying for his Dad. At his point I just resorted to a simple 'I know it's hard' while I hid and cried myself behind the shower curtain. There is only so much heartache you can hear your kid go through before it will break you too. 

But the last time, the last time my kid cried was So. Damn. Hard. You know when your kid is crying just to cry? That wasn't this cry. Most of the 'missing Dad' cries are not. It is sobbing. Screaming. Unable to catch his breath with big, heavy tears just streaming. It often involves him falling to the floor. It is the raw emotion in him pouring out and man does it hurt. 

And you know how I reacted? I responded to him with 'everyone has to deal with shit. We have to get over it.' I basically told my child that 'shit happens, move on.' The words came out of my mouth and I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out due to pure shame. Not in a trillion galaxies was I mad at this perfect boy who just loves his dad So. Damn. Much. I just had no more words to explain. I was mad I couldn't snap my fingers and bring his Dad home. And quite frankly, I was missing his Dad just as much and wanting him here as painstakingly badly as he did.

I had to learn the hard lesson that sometimes the best I can give won't be the best that's inside of me. It happens to us all. We mess up, we hug our babies, we say sorry, offer our kindest explanation, hope they understand, and give our most valiant and compassion-fueled efforts again tomorrow.

Inspired by Dad, always...

The next fall out is a tricky one because it's hard to admit without sounding well, quite frankly, petty. Look, I know that being the one gone is far harder on my husband than it is on me. I spend one night away from our Son and I'm a wreck and wanting to come home as fast as possible. My husband lives in a constant state of wanting to get back to his family as fast as possible. He loves his work, but he loves us more so the struggle really is real for him.

Anyway, I digress. He's always the glitter and gold in this house. Dad's coming home! Dad's home let's do something special! Dad's home so you stay home and he and I are going for a boy's day! Dad is more fun so I want to go with him when he's home! You get it and if you're in a similar situation, you've been there. Sometimes I want the duty-free days with my boy. I want him to see me as fun and not the 'hurry hurry pack your backpack, brush your teeth, let's practice spelling while we drive' parent. 

Getting a lift from Dad before the next session of riding - always safe and secure and inspired on the back of a giant.

That bothered me for quite a long time. But then a few weeks ago, our Son wouldn't fall asleep without me next to him, despite the fact that his Dad was there reading to him. He may not have the words to tell me but even though he sees Dad on the pedestal he deserves, he needs me, and wants me, still... for his most basic and primal needs like sleeping soundly. What a gift to be needed for something so critical to life. Am I right?

Pure love and joy....

Hang in there Moms and Dads. You're doing great. And so are your kids who deal with so many goodbyes. Keep telling them that you're proud of them. They're proud of you too.

Blue Skies and Best,

Sarah