Bad Mom, Best Mom
Update: We've been discharged from the hospital - the baby was officially diagnosed with a BRUE - Brief Resolved Unexplained Event possibly due to a laryngospasm and vagal reaction (google it - I am NOT qualified to explain those terms! She is home and doing great. Now I just need to recover mentally!).
Tonight I sent my husband a text from the urgent care department at the Children's Hospital that said something close to 'I'm so sorry I'm such a bad mom. I'm so sorry I am so stupid. I'm so sorry it's my fault that the baby is here tonight.' To which he responded with 'you're not a bad mom...you're the best mom.' God love him, but man it doesn't feel like that's true.
Okay well you can read it for yourself.... Oyi. The guilt is REAL.
Today I gave our baby infant Tylenol for a mouth procedure that she had...and for some really stupid reason I thought I could sneak it into her cheek while she was crying. Well she breathed in big at the moment I put a few drops in and from there all hell broke loose. She started drooling excessively, went limp, was having what seemed like moments of not breathing, and was totally unresponsive to me. I ran to our porch to try and stun her with air and light... and nothing. I was hitting her back, trying to get drool to drain out and calling 911 at the same time. I thought I had killed her. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING TRYING TO ADMINISTER THE MEDICINE WHILE SHE WAS CRYING? I know better! I was so desperate to help her pain and thought it was such a minimal amount that it would just dissolve into her mouth... nope.
The ambulance got there in 4 minutes. She was breathing and asleep by then. The whole thing was so fast. Her heartbeat was fine. Her oxygen was fine. My little baby was surrounded by 7 giant firefighters in our living room. The nicest, most compassionate men around. They suggested I bring her to the hospital so here we are being monitored overnight. She is doing just fine and resting well. I'm not very religious and usually pray to my deceased Father instead of a God, but THANK YOU GOD. THANK YOU DAD. THANK YOU UNIVERSE.
Resting like a champ and doing well like the BOSS CHICK THAT SHE IS.
This will be one of many 'mistakes' I make with her. I am not fooling myself into thinking otherwise. And I'll continue to make many 'mistakes' with our Son too, I am sure. I realized when my husband responded to me that my kids are going to also make 'mistakes' and have accidents with their kids as well... and I never want them to feel shame like I do tonight (easier said than done, I know). As long as they're doing their best and loving their kids as hard as they possibly can, then they are succeeding at this thing called life...
To my Son...
When you were 13 months old I fell asleep with you on my chest and rolled over and you fell out of the bed. Somehow, miraculously, you landed on your stomach with your hands out and your head up - you were an athlete from a very young age. ;)
When you were 2, I let you ride your Strider bike down a huge hill by yourself. You had done it successfully so may times with me running next to you...I thought you had it. I went to the bottom to video you for your Dad who was deployed... as I was taping I saw your tire start to wobble... and WOW did you crash. I dropped the phone to the ground and went running and watched you like a hawk all night afterwards...
When you were about 4, I got you out of the bath and wrapped you in a big towel. As I was speaking not so nicely to your Dad about not walking the dog, you walked down the steps. You stepped on the corner of that big towel and tumbled down the stairs... and you did a scorpion at the end. I was sure you were paralyzed. You were just fine.
When you were 5, gosh I can barely type this one... when you were 5 we went to the grocery story with the neighbor kid because you guys were going to make gingerbread men. When we got home, we were talking in the car for a minute in the driveway and for some reason you had gotten out of your seat and had your head out of the back window... well I closed the window not knowing you had stuck your head out. I closed the automatic window...ON YOUR NECK. I FREAKED OUT. I called the neighbor and asked her to close the window on my neck so I could see how it felt. She wouldn't do it so I closed it on my arm - couldn't get my mind to close it on my own neck though I tried hard. Took you to the doctor...and again, you were fine.
To my Daughter....
Tonight was the first of many where I won't do things perfectly for you. I'm going to mess up. I'm going to not be able to protect you all of the time. I'm going to make bad judgement calls. I'm going to believe in your skills maybe more than I should because I'll always think you and your brother are absolute sparkling shining uber-capable gold stars.
A little FaceTime with Dad from our overnight room. Somehow crazy things always only happen when he's out of town! Luck.
To you both....
I'm sorry. But I'm human and so are you... you'll make mistakes too but just love your babies as hard as you can, and I promise they'll forgive you and love you anyway....as you have forgiven me and love me anyway...right? ;)
To my husband...
Thank you for calling us legit 7 times yesterday to check in - I know you feel terrible that you were not in town to help us through this...but your constant calling and checking in was really, really, really great. We love you.
Blue Skies and Best,
Sarah
